Satan: Supervillain

So rumor has it I have this terrible addiction to cookie dough. I recently took up baking- definitely not because I am good at it and surprisingly not even because I quite enjoy eating cookies. I just crave that unique opportunity to lick the dough-covered beaters, to pick out a glob of chocolate chips covered in sugary goodness, to line up cookie dough balls on a cookie sheet… and then eat them before the oven even has a chance to heat to 350...  Wow, what a life.

But herein we have a problem. I hate to break it to you folks, but cookie dough is bad for you.

Please do not mistake what I am saying. I am not talking about calorie counting here. If that were the case, I would also be moved to suggest that caramel caribou ice cream, strawberry cheesecake, and Boston crème pie are bad for you, and considering that this can’t possibly be farther from the truth, then I most definitely am not suggesting that heavenly cookie dough could be even remotely related to the development of an increasing waistline. What I am suggesting, however, is that cookie dough has one very dangerous ingredient. This ingredient is called… the egg.

Apparently the innocent-looking animal product we call the egg- if accompanied by the deadly Mr. Salmonella- can cause a wide variety of abdominal discomfiture, a feeling of feverishness, and an undesirable familiarity with the porcelain throne.

Well, something else you must know about me- I have a terrible fear of having food that once went down come back up. Call me a pansy, but I avoid such an event like I would the plague. Call me up when you have the stomach flu and I will quickly run to your aid… by leaving a bottle of pink Pepto and a can of chicken noodle soup on your… driveway. Now imagine how difficult this phobia must be for me considering that cracking raw eggs is an essential part of baking cookies. Anyone who has seen such an event before knows that I take great care to keep the raw egg  off of my hands and that I instantly wash my hands while singing the alphabet (3 times) as soon as the dirty deed is done. But mix in a little bit of butter and sugar and voila! Cookie dough supreme. My aversion to toilet time is suddenly and completely overshadowed by my addiction to my delectable indulgence.

How is such a significant shift possible in such a short amount of time? The answer can be discovered in a conversation I once overheard between two bad guys:

Titan:                     This town isn't big enough for two supervillains!

Megamind:         Oh, you're a villain all right, just not a SUPER one!

Titan:                     Oh yeah? What's the difference?

Megamind:         Presentation!

Presentation. That’s what makes the difference. All Salmonella needs to do in order to get in my belly is to disguise itself as an irresistible, gooey, chocolate chip filled ball of sugar dough and immediately my thoughts are diverted from those of frantic flu fear to “Me want cookies!” … no matter the cost.

Let’s take a little dishonesty and call it a “white” lie, shall we? Maybe we’ll even put it in a shiny box and put a pretty white bow on top to show just how white a lie really can be. Let’s take destructive drugs and give them cute little breakfast cereal nicknames like “co-co puff” and “special K.” Let’s take a shiny golden cow, melt it down, and remodel it into a fancy car, a beautiful boat, or any other “must have” that keeps us from ever experiencing “all that the Father hath.” Let’s take a little immorality and put it in a flashy movie with a captivating plot and impossibly beautiful people. Maybe we’ll even spice it up by inappropriately labeling it suitable for children 13+, as if to suggest that inherent immorality has the potential to convert into something lovely and of good report the second an adolescent’s hormone levels reach a specific level of crazy.  

All I’m saying is that if sin came wrapped in a raw egg, we’d wash our hands of it. We’d have nothing to do with it. So beware of the flashy, the flirtatious, the tantalizing, the stunning, the sneaky sensational, the contagious counterfeit.  Because today it may be cookie dough, but tomorrow it’s all about to become nothing more than a serious reversal of Newton’s law of gravity.