Hello fam- I have a huge weakness that I've am trying to overcome, but I want to make sure I'm going about it the right way! I would love any thoughts on what I've been thinking about below :)
When I was young, one of my biggest struggles was that I
was shy. I often found myself using passive communication and
allowing others to walk all over me and my feelings. As I grew older and developed
more confidence and a stronger conviction
that my needs mattered just as much as anyone
else's, I began to express my feelings more freely. Because my natural tendency is to lean towards keeping the peace, my expression still shied far away
from any direct confrontation, resulting in a lot of passive-aggressive
comments and actions directed towards those who may have hurt my feelings or
with whom I disagreed. A few months ago, I found myself telling my boss that I didn’t
like this passive-aggressive style I had developed and that I wanted to work on
being more “assertive.”
Since this time I have spent a lot of
mental energy trying to decide what assertiveness really looks like. I thought
I knew. I mean, I’m a therapist… I talk about assertive communication all the
time. I teach my clients the value of the “healthiest” form of communication and
strive to persuade them to see the benefit in valuing and sharing their own
feelings while still respecting the rights of others. Until recently, it had
never really occurred to me that I might be teaching something somewhat
contrary (or at least incomplete) to what Christ has taught regarding healthy
communication.
I decided to spend some time studying
this topic from the Gospel perspective and looked up the words “assertive” and “communication”
on lds.org. Interestingly, I did find the word “assertive” and synonyms in
several conference talks, Ensign articles, and scriptural references. Elder
Wirthlin said, “We should be bold and assertive in proclaiming the Gospel.” Paul
was referenced several times as being a very “assertive” apostle who boldly
proclaimed his testimony of the Savior. When I think of Elder Holland and the
way in which he and the other Apostles share their
testimonies I would definitely feel comfortable calling them very “assertive.”
But I noticed that the word assertive was found only in relation to the way we
should share the Gospel. I could not find a single
conference talk or scripture that said anything about using “I-statements” or using
any other kinds of special techniques to make sure that your feelings were heard.
I found the phrase “self-assertion” a few times, but in all uses of the phrase,
it was referred to in a negative light suggesting that self-assertion is not a
Christ-like way of communicating. One author referred to it as a “trivial
technique” and mentioned it alongside wasting time in therapy learning to “like
yourself,” rather than seeking to find yourself through selfless service to others.
C. Richard Chidester- a therapist- wrote
an article in the Ensign stating that as covenant-keeping Latter-day Saints we
must commit ourselves first to relationships. He says, “This doesn’t
mean we must forget about our individual interests, but that we put them
second.” So that’s the problem with “I-statements” – although our goal is to
express ourselves while still seeking to respect others, our primary focus is
still on “I” rather than “we.”
The scriptures say the Lord expects
us to communicate (Hebrews 13:16). Being passive is not the same as being a
meek peace-maker and is not a principle of the Gospel. Many of the references I
found when searching the word “communication” stated that the main purpose of
communicating is to help others. Elder L. Lionel Kendrick said, “May we
treasure the divine gift of communication, and may
we use it wisely to build and to assist others.” He defined “positive
criticism” as “feedback given with the purpose of helping another person
to grow and to develop.” Elder Marvin J. Ashton stated, “If
we would know true love and understanding one for another, we must realize that
communication is more than a sharing of words. It
is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the
sharing of oneself totally.” Notice the list he gives regarding the “how to’s”
of Christ-like communication: a willingness to sacrifice, a willingness to
listen, a willingness to vocalize feelings, a willingness to avoid judgment, a
willingness to maintain confidences, and a willingness to practice patience.”
What’s even more interesting to me is under the section where he expands on “a
willingness to vocalize feelings,” he talks not about the importance of sharing
how other people have hurt you or the need for requesting that someone treat
you differently, but about how we don’t often enough use our words to say the
positive things we feel about each other on the inside. Even in the scriptures
when it tells us to use “sharpness” at times, I believe it’s talking more about
“clarity” – the kind of sharpness you get when focusing a microscope for
example – and it’s only to be done out of love for that person, not to simply
correct someone because they’re mistaken or to reprimand someone for wronging
you.
So what then is the key to Christ-like communication? I
never would have expected this answer, but all of the articles and scriptures I
read referred back to humility. Elder L. Lionel Kendrick said, “We don’t
discover humility by thinking less of
ourselves (passive communication); we discover humility
by thinking less about ourselves (Christ-like communication).” Brother
C. Richard Chidester said: “When we turn to Christ in humility,
exercise faith in him, repent, and seek the Spirit, we no longer see ourselves as
helpless victims whose only alternatives are to let our feelings out or to
suffer in silence. We begin to see that the Lord is with us and that we truly
can improve our lives and our relationships.” As we humble ourselves and seek
to accept His guidance and will, He will help us to know what to say.
I’m not suggesting that there isn’t a place for assertive
communication. I’m just wondering if in our pursuit to discover and express
ourselves, we get distracted in thinking too much about ourselves and our needs,
rather than on the needs and desires of others. Is it possible that the
scripture “Whosoever shall seek to save his life
shall lost it, and
whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it (Luke 17:33)” could also be referring to the way in which we
communicate with each other?
