An Attempt at Noble Thoughts

Hello fam- I have a huge weakness that I've am trying to overcome, but I want to make sure I'm going about it the right way! I would love any thoughts on what I've been thinking about below :)

When I was young, one of my biggest struggles was that I was shy. I often found myself using passive communication and allowing others to walk all over me and my feelings. As I grew older and developed more confidence and a stronger conviction that my needs mattered just as much as anyone else's, I began to express my feelings more freely. Because my natural tendency is to lean towards keeping the peace, my expression still shied far away from any direct confrontation, resulting in a lot of passive-aggressive comments and actions directed towards those who may have hurt my feelings or with whom I disagreed. A few months ago, I found myself telling my boss that I didn’t like this passive-aggressive style I had developed and that I wanted to work on being more “assertive.”

Since this time I have spent a lot of mental energy trying to decide what assertiveness really looks like. I thought I knew. I mean, I’m a therapist… I talk about assertive communication all the time. I teach my clients the value of the “healthiest” form of communication and strive to persuade them to see the benefit in valuing and sharing their own feelings while still respecting the rights of others. Until recently, it had never really occurred to me that I might be teaching something somewhat contrary (or at least incomplete) to what Christ has taught regarding healthy communication.

I decided to spend some time studying this topic from the Gospel perspective and looked up the words “assertive” and “communication” on lds.org. Interestingly, I did find the word “assertive” and synonyms in several conference talks, Ensign articles, and scriptural references. Elder Wirthlin said, “We should be bold and assertive in proclaiming the Gospel.” Paul was referenced several times as being a very “assertive” apostle who boldly proclaimed his testimony of the Savior. When I think of Elder Holland and the way in which he and the other Apostles share their testimonies I would definitely feel comfortable calling them very “assertive.” But I noticed that the word assertive was found only in relation to the way we should share the Gospel. I could not find a single conference talk or scripture that said anything about using “I-statements” or using any other kinds of special techniques to make sure that your feelings were heard. I found the phrase “self-assertion” a few times, but in all uses of the phrase, it was referred to in a negative light suggesting that self-assertion is not a Christ-like way of communicating. One author referred to it as a “trivial technique” and mentioned it alongside wasting time in therapy learning to “like yourself,” rather than seeking to find yourself through selfless service to others.

C. Richard Chidester- a therapist- wrote an article in the Ensign stating that as covenant-keeping Latter-day Saints we must commit ourselves first to relationships. He says, “This doesn’t mean we must forget about our individual interests, but that we put them second.” So that’s the problem with “I-statements” – although our goal is to express ourselves while still seeking to respect others, our primary focus is still on “I” rather than “we.”

The scriptures say the Lord expects us to communicate (Hebrews 13:16). Being passive is not the same as being a meek peace-maker and is not a principle of the Gospel. Many of the references I found when searching the word “communication” stated that the main purpose of communicating is to help others. Elder L. Lionel Kendrick said, “May we treasure the divine gift of communication, and may we use it wisely to build and to assist others.” He defined “positive criticism” as “feedback given with the purpose of helping another person to grow and to develop.” Elder Marvin J. Ashton stated, “If we would know true love and understanding one for another, we must realize that communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.” Notice the list he gives regarding the “how to’s” of Christ-like communication: a willingness to sacrifice, a willingness to listen, a willingness to vocalize feelings, a willingness to avoid judgment, a willingness to maintain confidences, and a willingness to practice patience.” What’s even more interesting to me is under the section where he expands on “a willingness to vocalize feelings,” he talks not about the importance of sharing how other people have hurt you or the need for requesting that someone treat you differently, but about how we don’t often enough use our words to say the positive things we feel about each other on the inside. Even in the scriptures when it tells us to use “sharpness” at times, I believe it’s talking more about “clarity” – the kind of sharpness you get when focusing a microscope for example – and it’s only to be done out of love for that person, not to simply correct someone because they’re mistaken or to reprimand someone for wronging you.

So what then is the key to Christ-like communication? I never would have expected this answer, but all of the articles and scriptures I read referred back to humility. Elder L. Lionel Kendrick said, “We don’t discover humility by thinking less of ourselves (passive communication); we discover humility by thinking less about ourselves (Christ-like communication).” Brother C. Richard Chidester said: “When we turn to Christ in humility, exercise faith in him, repent, and seek the Spirit, we no longer see ourselves as helpless victims whose only alternatives are to let our feelings out or to suffer in silence. We begin to see that the Lord is with us and that we truly can improve our lives and our relationships.” As we humble ourselves and seek to accept His guidance and will, He will help us to know what to say.

I’m not suggesting that there isn’t a place for assertive communication. I’m just wondering if in our pursuit to discover and express ourselves, we get distracted in thinking too much about ourselves and our needs, rather than on the needs and desires of others. Is it possible that the scripture “Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lost it, and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it (Luke 17:33)” could also be referring to the way in which we communicate with each other?